More Commas, Less Dots

I spent the evening transferring my blog to another user account since I no longer use the one it was under.  In the process I needed to pull up posts to remove erroneous formatting and was faced with the words I once wrote.  I was uncomfortable and resisted reading. 

I suppose one could speculate on the possible reasons for this discomfort.  Although I lived what I wrote, the visceral feelings I had at the time of my writing have faded.  As I read some, the memories made me grateful for the life I have now.  In reading I am reminded that I am different.  I am not who I was three years ago. I have changed. 

I have even decided I don't mind using commas in my writing, instead of dots everywhere... :o)

Need I Say More?

Stressed. Stressed. Stressed.

Hey you.

I Am Still Here

...and am glad this blog is too. I just re-read some of my older posts and am glad my life is in a different place. I wonder if anyone ever comes here anymore? I suppose not since the words and thoughts dried up like the sun drenched desert. I have thought about changing my blog title since I have come to realize I am not as radiantly optimistic as I would like to think... but decided to leave it be. We can all hope for the best... right?

Yepp - It's been a long time since the blog got some action....

I don't have anything bothering me terribly - hence the lack of blogging. Sooo.... quickly... to shock my few readers with a post... I thought I would give a quick update.

I am happy. Simply happy.

I have exciting plans for this month... three weekends of mini trips that I am estastic about. Cassadaga, Atlanta for Christmas, and then Port St. Joe for New Years. The icing on the cake is that I will be sharing these experiences with John... and I wouldn't want it any other way.

The knee.... well... it is still attached. :o) Actually - even though I am still not all fixed up... I am managing quite nicely. Independence has started to find it's way back into my life... and it's a great thing.

Work is ok - and that is all I can ask for right now. The tension has subsided quite a bit... which makes the air easier to sit in.

I want to end with this...

I am grateful. So so very grateful for so much. I am grateful for life. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for the person that has become my best friend... and all that he offers to my life. I am grateful for the moments I am given on a daily basis that make me smile. I am grateful to myself.... for learning from the last year and all that came before... I know that what I have come from has changed me... but in the end it was all for the best. I am grateful for this moment. I am grateful for waking up each morning and the possibilities and chances the day offers.

Three Days ~ Three Changes

I am not very sleepy... in part due to my nap this afternoon (:::sigh::: I should have known better).

I am thinking a lot about my last few days. Meeting new people and being social. Renewed hope in an important part of my life. The making of space for my "me time" passion.

I have a blog in process about change - along with a couple of others of various topics. I am realizing that without change life wouldn't continue forward... it would stay stuck and stagnant. Things are constantly in a state of change, but it is more when it gets uncomfortable that it becomes difficult to accept (at least for me). Everything that happens - happens for a reason. Sometimes we need to release what isn't working and recognize that change is needed to find what we are really looking for. This can apply to my experiences the last few days. It is interesting that these last three days... have three distinct themes of change.

There has been a recent reduction in staff in my friend category. The ONLY way this will change is if I want to change it and am willing to put myself out there. I needed to let go and take a chance Friday night. Chatty and smiley would be my self description (after about 15 min of being introverted and quiet I decided that it wasn't going to deliver the results I was looking for). In the end... I wound up having a excellent time and met some new people! :o)

Saturday... well... it was Saturday. :o) Truth was spoken and openness was present... in the downs and ups something clicked... it has been tagged "a revelation". I am hopeful. Life doesn't promise anything... it doesn't promise what tomorrow will hold or if there will even be a tomorrow. What I do know is that I hold "Saturday" and the important things about it very close... I am grateful for the answer the universe has delivered... at least for now. :o)

Tonight I decided that there was something lacking in my life that I could easily (well... somewhat easily) change. One of my passions and how I like to spend some "me time" is scrapbooking. My stuff has been in boxes and untouched for months. My weeks are changing somewhat and some alone time for me is being re-established... which really is a good thing for multiple reasons. Something clicked for me and I decided that I was going to find a way to make space in here... so I could bring my stuff out and get lost in something that makes me happy if I felt the urge to do so. I'm excited that the process is underway.... :o)

Maybe tomorrow I will have a "Day 4" to add to this list... :o)

Nietzsche Quotes

Tonight I was browsing some quotes while thinking about the day. I found two by Friedrich Nietzsche that I really like and seem fitting for the day.

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

"What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil."

Religion = Personal

Religion. Why must one try to conform someone to their system of beliefs?

I am me. You are you. This should be very simple.

When was it decided the lines that clearly marked and labeled this separation became cross-able in an utterly irritating way? Answer... when I allowed them to be crossed.

I no longer...

...want to be your project of conversion.

...want to be repeatedly questioned about where my beliefs stand.

...want to put on a show for you, when ultimately it is at the expense of being true to who I am.

Ownership

The word “ownership” is something that can be taken multiple ways. I have had this subject on my mind for a while, and it seemed to want to pervade my thoughts last night as I was trying to fall asleep.

We can own many things in life. In simple thinking one might be drawn to think about ownership in materialistic terms. Moving beyond objects that manifest themselves in our lives physically, we can attribute this thought pattern to our lives in a much larger sense.

There have been many instances in my life where I have been in situations or made decisions where ownership was lacking. I have felt the effects of my shortcomings, as well as the shortcomings of others in this area. In reflecting on each of those memories there is a feeling of disconnection present on some level in all of them. In not taking ownership of your life and all that it contains, you in a way sit on the sidelines calling the shots but not fully immersing yourself in the experiences that become of your choices. The experiences themselves are as important as the raw results gained by your decisions.

On my behalf – lack of ownership has landed me in debt, failing relationships that continued long past their expiration date, blurred boundaries with key people in my life, in jobs that have met my basic needs but never pushed me further, and countless other spectatorship like ways of living that perpetuated the cycle. As I stated before, I have witnessed this behavior in others which affected me, but in the end it all comes back to my lack of ownership in my life that made it possible for those situations to even exist in the first place. Ownership requires taking responsibility, but to a much higher level...

I think that there is a distinct difference in responsibility and ownership. When someone is responsible for something it requires that they are dependable and reliable to get said thing taken care of, attending to the implied needs. I will not argue that ownership requires responsibility, but I will say that it requires more than just that. It requires pride and a personal sense of importance to what is being attended to. It requires the self to give the given situation one hundred percent as it is now part of them as an integral part – whether ownership stays permanent or not - is not of importance in the moment. It is about giving your best, to the situation, yourself, and your unfolding life.

Complicated Δ Simple

There has definitely been an increase within the smiles department of my life lately and it’s quite welcomed – obnoxious declarations of happiness were my world in the last blog and not much has changed. :o) The smiles continue each day...

There are two quotes tonight that reached to me. I have decided to go with the more ambiguous of the two, as one has a message so clear that it could cause an outcry of questions, which makes the quote I am going to choose even more appropriate.

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” ~Dr. Seuss

For those who know me... I am a fan of Seuss quotes. The quotes themselves bring with them simplicity in complexity and this one hits the spot for multiple reasons... including the fact that it speaks to the style.

Complicated questions with simple answers are hard to wrap the head around at times. Whether it’s a question from inward or coming from an outside source, I lean to complicated answers for complicated questions... which sometimes isn't the best route to an answer.

I have asked myself a couple of complicated questions recently and have given myself extremely simple answers. It is in the rawness of a simple answer that one can find significant truth. Don’t misunderstand me... even when the conclusion is a simple truth... introspection and analysis are integral parts of the answer most times... but in the end there are some truths we can find that don’t have clear logic and that is okay. At these times... it just is what it is... and it is in these moments we can find an answer that holds overwhelming clarity even in simplicity.

H-A-P-P-Y

Sooo... :o) I normally get on here when I am frustrated, upset, lost, need direction, or am just plain sad. These emotions when present are passionate and strong, even though not very pleasant. I can endlessly write when I am in this space. It is when I am in a happy place that I don’t find as much importance in blogging.

I will occasionally go back and read through my posts to see where my life has been in relation to where it is going. If I leave out the really great things, then I will be leaving out a very important part. Along with the negatives in life, there are amazing positives at times which are equally important. So, I am about to throw some positives out here.

I am H-A-P-P-Y. :o) I love the space I am in at this moment, both physically and mentally. Smiles are easy and abundant. The future feels filled with so much possibility. I don’t feel any immense distance to any of the important people in my life... and in fact I feel closer to some of them than I ever have. There are goals for my future that I am slowly moving towards and it’s exciting (for example... going back to school in the spring is going to be major for me). I am soaking up the hugs and laughs. Life feels at peace. I was thrilled to wake up this morning and start my day. Like I said... happy... really really happy.

I am grateful for these moments and times in life when I can sit down and not have a list of things pulsing in the front of my brain that are bothering me. Life is far from perfect, but even with the imperfections things can feel amazing. It’s all a matter of how you handle the imperfections. :o)

Truth and the Shell of Delusions

The lyrics below paint an interesting picture, describing defeat in unnecessary acceptance that the past is the unalterable future. But it’s the last line that really triggered me as it fit right along with where I have been recently “Limiting comfort to a claustrophobic shell comprised by our own delusions.”

Excerpt from the song Fragmented Oblivion by Odius Mortem
Reasoning and rational a deficient acceptance of ends
Convinced the future resembles the past
Molding reality to refuse progression
disconnected from origins of being
Repeating these cycles of life
Swarms of perception melted together normality ripped and reformed
Limiting comfort to a claustrophobic shell comprised by our own delusions

In the last week I have started to come to terms with part of the shell I have created from my own delusions and the comfort I have repeatedly found in these delusions. This shell has been so reinforced with years of bad decisions, lies told to make excuses, and the stories making mock truth of it all.

Not too long ago I spoke into the atmosphere the desire to have someone in my life who would challenge me and my stubbornness. I was told to be careful in what I wished for. One could say that in a way, the law of attraction worked with this one.

I recently have been pushed, in a firm but gentle way into the spotlight of pure honesty. I have stood on the edge in my mind glaring at the small mound of what I know is a much bigger mountain of questions I need to ask myself. It is time for me to start pushing myself.

Thank you for the starting momentum.

Years of repeated patterns have engraved a groove so deep that I can't see over the side naturally unless I reach to do so. The hammer is in hand and the walls blocking the truth will come down with time. One can say that recognizing the problem is half the battle. I see that I am in the groove, but know now that I don’t have to stay there if I don’t want to be there. There will certainly be times where I slide right back in, but failure doesn’t have to be permanent. That’s a choice.

Claustrophobic is highly appropriate for the state that my life has been in for quite awhile. I also find it interesting that claustrophobia is a state of fear.

I have been holding on to another quote that I think is appropriate for this post and will end with it. I so want to find comfort in the truth and not delusions, as truth breeds truth.

Truth only reveals itself when one gives up all preconceived ideas. ~Shoseki

Ready ~ Set ~ Go

I have been blogging a lot lately and have written quite a bit that isn’t even posted here. Some things are private in a way that I don’t even begin to think about placing them for the world to see. I am going out on a limb here… never before have I written publicly about what I am about to. There is a time and place for everything. It is time for this. I am ready.

Sometimes in life we talk about things but don’t take action. It is when we put action behind our words that change really starts to emerge.

If someone were to ask me what I thought my life purpose was and I had any type of trust in them, I would tell them it is to educate on OCD in children. My purpose would be to end suffering early on in the process for at least one child. I was a child with OCD… who eventually became an adult with a disorder so out of control that it consumed me for many years.

After speaking of my life purpose recently… I had a friend ask me if I have ever thought of extending help to adult support groups and I said no. I then went on the explain that who I really want to help is children... since they can't help themselves. This all made sense at the time and I didn’t push my brain any further at that moment past this resistance I felt inside.

Something has clicked with me. I have been given a ah-ha moment. This isn’t something that has been on my brain since the conversation… at least not in a way that I have been aware… until now.

Where is the source of my resistance in helping adults? I have found my answers…

To do this I first need to acknowledge a fear. There is part of me that feels discomfort in the thought of placing myself in a situation where I will experience and be reminded clearly of the struggles I once faced every minute of every day… in someone who when I look at them could be me... now. The thought of helping children doesn’t bring this fear… because their lives don’t look like mine in a way where I have to face the starke reality that I could be in their exact place at that exact moment. I truly believe in the strength that I have found and know that I can handle it… and I say this with conviction. Acknowledging a fear is at times the hardest part….

I sometimes get frustrated when I think about adults who are in endless programs and take countless medications… in reality a lot of this frustration is with my own past. Until you hit the point of really being ready to conquer this disorder… every hand given… every opportunity offered… cannot even begin to penetrate the circles deeply etched in the mind. You need to want to help yourself to actually be successful in recovery and sustain a life free from what once crippled you. As in all support groups there are people who are there but not committed to the process… but there are also people there that want change. They want to be free from it. I need to remind myself that I sailed both of these ships years ago... not wanting change... and wanting it. I can't judge anyone for something I have done myself. As well as I can’t let the moments of failure I might experience in helping others stop me. Life isn’t about perfection… even in giving.

My brain then decided to take this one step further… and the light was incredible.

I have done more research on OCD than I can even begin to explain. I have read enough literature to have a firm belief that OCD is genetically passed down in many cases. With this said… many of the men and women in support groups and treatment for OCD either have children or will have them one day. In helping adults we can also help children indirectly but in a profound way… with parents living a healthy emotional life… setting good examples… and creating lives that contain joy. Suffering can be indirect and you don’t have to be suffering yourself to feel the pain of another. Not only can a child be given back a functional and healthy parent… but there is also the trickle effect in which parents will have the tools to help their children if this disorder were ever to be exhibited in them. I can't help but believe a parent who is living in chaos internally who can barely handle their own triggers… couldn’t possibly help a child handle and grasp theirs.

I searched for OCD support groups in Tallahassee and I am saddened at the disparity. I am ready to help change this. My life goal is still the same… but in my moment I have found more than one way to accomplish it.

I will end with saying... I once carried shame regarding this part of me... but no longer do. In the struggle through finding a way to live with part of myself that used to win the battle for my life... I have been given an amazing gift of possibly being able to help make another life worth living. How great is that? :o)

Refreshing

So... this is going to be a quick one. There is another much more intense and wordy blog in process but this has been on my mind all night and morning. I need to get this out before it leaves me. I can promise this will be nothing but cryptic... and in reality... only I really need to get this one.

I received support today on a certain something from someone I am extremely close to... when I thought I was going to receive the exact opposite response. Let me clarify... it was what I read as support. My expectations regarding the reaction I thought I was going to eventually receive did not even come close to mirroring the truth. Whatever the reason... I am grateful. I am a tad curious if I took it the right way... but at the end of the day I am ok with not knowing. Whether it was out of respect that I can make the best decisions for me... out of pure agreement... or even something in between.... it was refreshing. I don't mind being challenged and shown a different perspective... but there are times that is not needed. It is times when someone is steadfast in what they know is right for them... that listening is what is needed most. My words were heard... and that was pretty much it. I received a response... but it was a response of pure understanding... that I am me. :o)

Push Past the Fear

"To live with the conscious knowledge of the shadow of uncertainty, with the knowledge that disaster or tragedy could strike at any time; to be afraid and to know and acknowledge your fear, and still to live creatively and with unstinting love; that is to live with grace." ~Peter Henry Abrahams

I found this quote and it really spoke to me. It yells to the endless boundaries of my heart how important it is to make each day count even with the fears that we each hold in our heart. It also reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend recently about death and my thoughts on it, which in turn spoke to the fear of the unknown.

I think about death and what is after this world on regular occasion. Not in a morbid way. It is in the attempt of grasping what happens when the last breath is taken, the last word is spoken, and when the last thing you see becomes the last memory you will ever have.

I think about my life as it is now, and what will no longer be when I am gone. It can be quite overwhelming to think about not having the conscious knowledge of myself, my surroundings, and the emotions that I feel on a daily basis. Our being is built of worldly things. Things we can see. Things we can touch. Experiences given that etch our hearts with memories that we never forget. What happens to those things when we are gone? What remains and what fades when we are no longer here?

I can’t imagine that our moments of struggle and greatness in life are in vain and simply have no meaning when we leave. Where my beliefs specifically lie regarding the thereafter I am still exploring...

When I delve into trying to put my brain around the whole idea of what comes next... it is a utterly overwhelming... instead of backing away from this feeling I push through and continue to try and find reason in it all. Imagining oneself no longer in the state of “being” is hard to do. Some would ask why I would want to.

I don’t do so out of a lack of appreciation for my present. I don’t do so because I particularly like the uncomfortable air I sit in when I entertain those thoughts. I think it is part of me that I have uncovered and have learned to use... and I now use it for more than its original intended purpose. I have shared a part of myself that consumed me years ago with a few people. In that struggle I learned to take hold of the part of myself that could walk into the darkness, push past the numerous walls of fear that I hit, keep blind faith that the darkness was temporary, and know that in the end I would find light and triumph.

I will continue to challenge the part of myself that initially wants to turn away from uncertainty and will continue to try to understand things that I don’t. I challenge anyone who thinks that some things are too scary to even think about. If nothing else, in pushing past this fear you have challenged yourself and become a stronger person in doing so. The answer may not come when we want it to or how we expect, but I believe that it will come. When the time is right...

A bomb exploded and I need to give thanks...

I was sitting here and reading my last post. I wrote it last Monday, which happens to be the day that I hurt myself later that evening. A bomb exploded that day. I know who was there during and after the explosion, as well as who was not.

I constantly remind myself that “everything happens for a reason”. I have found a reason in my injury. I was forced to take a pause… and that is what I have done. A life “time out”. I have been given multiple gifts in what by others would be seen as a purely negative occurrence. I need to send lots of hugs and an endless thank you to the following people….

Mom… you have always been there and I know forever will. Thank you for looking past my grouchiness and shortness this last week. Even in my not so pleasant moments you have gone out of your way to help me… when you are hurting yourself. You have gotten the short end of the stick at times… and I appreciate you hanging in there with me. I know not being here is hard… but thank you for letting others help me and doing so with grace. Other people might have gotten bitter that someone else was trying to fill the “mom role” and you didn’t let that happen. No one can ever fill that role but you. Thank you for all that you have done and will do in the future… and this stretches far before and beyond my current situation. I am eternally grateful. 831200

My brother John… even though we haven’t talked a lot… I know you are there for me. Thank you for your silliness the other night. Even though I didn’t show it, it was making me smile. I love you.

Kimberly… thanks for stepping up and coordinating everything that you have and continue to. My procrastination cannot win this battle and you have kept things moving in a forward motion. Thank you for giving when I know you were tired beyond belief. Thank you for standing as my friend in this moment. Thank you for the hugs… they give me strength. Thank you for your words of faith… they have shown me so so much. Thank you for trying to find any way you can to make the next few weeks easy for me in every way possible.

Shannon… thank you for being you and the friend you are. I know even through our struggles in our own lives that if I had no one else you would be there without a doubt. Thank you for sitting next to me through all my screaming the other day and still holding on to my leg. :oD Thank you for understanding that I am tired. Please take care of yourself right now… I worry about you more than myself. My knee will be fixed… I just wish I could help fix what is broken for you. :::many many hugs and love:::

Jer… a smile just came to my face when I thought about my thanks to be given to you. First off… thank you for being my friend. Months ago I would have never imagined that I would trust you with some of the things that I do… but am so glad I can. When you came over the other night… I know that you would have helped me anyway that you could have… even if it caused a weird moment or two. Thank you for your smiles given and your friendship without limits. Sometimes great things come from something unfortunate happening… and I am so glad that this was one of them. Remember… we still need to go and see the Blue Man Group. ;o)

Jason... thank you for all that you have done to help me. You have stepped up when others would have let me fend for myself. You are becoming a great friend and I appreciate all that you have done... from Urgent Care... to cooking... to helping me get around... to even the occasional "how are you doing?". I have never had a roommate... but know that you represent what a great roommate and friend can be. Thank you so so so much....

Chris… my thanks to you stretches back to milkshake night about a month ago. It was that moment that I knew you would be there no matter what. Thanks for the positive words you give and the promise that you will be here if I need you in the future. You are one of my closest friends.

My new friend John… thank you for the encouraging words sent. Thank you for the great conversation and emails that have taken my brain off my leg for even a moment. Thank you what you have done to make this upcoming Saturday possible. You’re willing to take on the adventure of an outing with me even with the knowledge it might not be the easiest time. Thank you for what looks to be the start of a great friendship. :o)

Will... thank you for offering to help as you have. I know you would do whatever you can to help and that means so much in itself!

If I didn't write directly to you please don’t think I am ungrateful for you in my life or don’t appreciate you. I send thanks to you as well for all that you do to make my life what it is.

Someone please listen...

I don’t know what to say. I am supposed to be sitting here and figuring things out but I don’t want to. I don’t want to look in the mirror and see myself including everything I’ve done… not tonight. I want to go to sleep and forget about it all. I’m not depressed… just tired. Tomorrow I will be better… I hope. I will smile tomorrow… but today I can’t.

I am listening to the song below tonight. I ask myself… who do I know without a doubt would be here after my bombs explode? I also find it interesting… it mentions a “world of gray”… which makes me think even more. Take a read… it’s a great song.

If No One Will Listen ~ by Kelly Clarkson

Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears
And so you fight to keep from pouring out
But what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul
Do you think that there's enough you might drown

If no one will listen, if you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you for what you really are
I will be here still

No one can take you where you alone must go
There's no telling what you will find there
And God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones
It's screaming every step, "just stay here"

If no one will listen, if you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you for what you really are
I will be here still

If you find your fists are raw and red
From beating yourself down
If your legs have given out under the weight
If you find you've been settling for a world of gray
So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate

If no one will listen, if you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you for what you really are
I will be here still

"Don't Look Back"

A few months ago this would have been a great theme song... the lyrics would have echoed complete perfection in giving words to where I was and would have served as a great reminder of what I needed to do. I made it to the place I needed to in the end... but wish I had known about this song. Amazing...

"Don't Look Back" ~ by Wynonna

Time to walk away
You've run out of things to say
Everything ends up the same old story
You don't know where love went
But nothing's making sense
You both know you can't fake it anymore

Don't look back he'll see you cryin'
Don't look back on love that's dyin'
Make believe your heart is made of stone
Don't look back into his eyes
You've already said goodbye
It's over now; you've got to let him go

He's the one you love
But sometimes love is not enough
It's too complicated to explain
No you never will forget
But you'll get over it
Someday just sweet memories will remain

So don't look back; don't break your will
Don't look back at him until
You're far enough to let your feelings show
Don't look back into those eyes
You've gone back so many times
It's over now you've got to let him go
There's a time for everything including leavin'
There's a time the heart admits defeat
And starts its grieving

Where is my gray?

I don’t know how to say what I want… but I am screaming it inside my head. It’s always too soon… and if not its way too late. Regret is something I say I don’t do… but I still carry plenty in my heart. Honesty is great in theory… but sucks when it isn’t all smiles. Apprehension only has the power that I give it… and I seem to give it all I have at times. Jumping in is a great feeling… but what if I drown. I want to be held… but not too tight. See me at my worst… and I still can’t promise my best. I don’t want to look back… but I find myself staring back at times. The future scares me… what if it never gets here. I hate black and white… and want to find the gray.

Perfection Wanted

Life knew I was on the cliff on my next blog in my upcoming series of “non-avoidance” issues and slammed this one down back in my face tonight. I guess there is something to deal with here. Deal is what I am about to do…

These words are directly for "Mr.You're perfect for me...except this one thing... after I started a relationship with you" and any other of your kind that come afterward…

No one is perfect. If you expect perfection… find the door… you are not welcome. I deserve someone who appreciates me for who I am… not who they want me to be. Another simple way to put it is... fuck you.

:::apologies around the table::: for the vulgarity

Wow… That was a lot shorter and easier than I thought. On to my next non-avoidance issue… hopefully they will all be this easy.