Ready ~ Set ~ Go

I have been blogging a lot lately and have written quite a bit that isn’t even posted here. Some things are private in a way that I don’t even begin to think about placing them for the world to see. I am going out on a limb here… never before have I written publicly about what I am about to. There is a time and place for everything. It is time for this. I am ready.

Sometimes in life we talk about things but don’t take action. It is when we put action behind our words that change really starts to emerge.

If someone were to ask me what I thought my life purpose was and I had any type of trust in them, I would tell them it is to educate on OCD in children. My purpose would be to end suffering early on in the process for at least one child. I was a child with OCD… who eventually became an adult with a disorder so out of control that it consumed me for many years.

After speaking of my life purpose recently… I had a friend ask me if I have ever thought of extending help to adult support groups and I said no. I then went on the explain that who I really want to help is children... since they can't help themselves. This all made sense at the time and I didn’t push my brain any further at that moment past this resistance I felt inside.

Something has clicked with me. I have been given a ah-ha moment. This isn’t something that has been on my brain since the conversation… at least not in a way that I have been aware… until now.

Where is the source of my resistance in helping adults? I have found my answers…

To do this I first need to acknowledge a fear. There is part of me that feels discomfort in the thought of placing myself in a situation where I will experience and be reminded clearly of the struggles I once faced every minute of every day… in someone who when I look at them could be me... now. The thought of helping children doesn’t bring this fear… because their lives don’t look like mine in a way where I have to face the starke reality that I could be in their exact place at that exact moment. I truly believe in the strength that I have found and know that I can handle it… and I say this with conviction. Acknowledging a fear is at times the hardest part….

I sometimes get frustrated when I think about adults who are in endless programs and take countless medications… in reality a lot of this frustration is with my own past. Until you hit the point of really being ready to conquer this disorder… every hand given… every opportunity offered… cannot even begin to penetrate the circles deeply etched in the mind. You need to want to help yourself to actually be successful in recovery and sustain a life free from what once crippled you. As in all support groups there are people who are there but not committed to the process… but there are also people there that want change. They want to be free from it. I need to remind myself that I sailed both of these ships years ago... not wanting change... and wanting it. I can't judge anyone for something I have done myself. As well as I can’t let the moments of failure I might experience in helping others stop me. Life isn’t about perfection… even in giving.

My brain then decided to take this one step further… and the light was incredible.

I have done more research on OCD than I can even begin to explain. I have read enough literature to have a firm belief that OCD is genetically passed down in many cases. With this said… many of the men and women in support groups and treatment for OCD either have children or will have them one day. In helping adults we can also help children indirectly but in a profound way… with parents living a healthy emotional life… setting good examples… and creating lives that contain joy. Suffering can be indirect and you don’t have to be suffering yourself to feel the pain of another. Not only can a child be given back a functional and healthy parent… but there is also the trickle effect in which parents will have the tools to help their children if this disorder were ever to be exhibited in them. I can't help but believe a parent who is living in chaos internally who can barely handle their own triggers… couldn’t possibly help a child handle and grasp theirs.

I searched for OCD support groups in Tallahassee and I am saddened at the disparity. I am ready to help change this. My life goal is still the same… but in my moment I have found more than one way to accomplish it.

I will end with saying... I once carried shame regarding this part of me... but no longer do. In the struggle through finding a way to live with part of myself that used to win the battle for my life... I have been given an amazing gift of possibly being able to help make another life worth living. How great is that? :o)