"To live with the conscious knowledge of the shadow of uncertainty, with the knowledge that disaster or tragedy could strike at any time; to be afraid and to know and acknowledge your fear, and still to live creatively and with unstinting love; that is to live with grace." ~Peter Henry Abrahams
I found this quote and it really spoke to me. It yells to the endless boundaries of my heart how important it is to make each day count even with the fears that we each hold in our heart. It also reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend recently about death and my thoughts on it, which in turn spoke to the fear of the unknown.
I think about death and what is after this world on regular occasion. Not in a morbid way. It is in the attempt of grasping what happens when the last breath is taken, the last word is spoken, and when the last thing you see becomes the last memory you will ever have.
I think about my life as it is now, and what will no longer be when I am gone. It can be quite overwhelming to think about not having the conscious knowledge of myself, my surroundings, and the emotions that I feel on a daily basis. Our being is built of worldly things. Things we can see. Things we can touch. Experiences given that etch our hearts with memories that we never forget. What happens to those things when we are gone? What remains and what fades when we are no longer here?
I can’t imagine that our moments of struggle and greatness in life are in vain and simply have no meaning when we leave. Where my beliefs specifically lie regarding the thereafter I am still exploring...
When I delve into trying to put my brain around the whole idea of what comes next... it is a utterly overwhelming... instead of backing away from this feeling I push through and continue to try and find reason in it all. Imagining oneself no longer in the state of “being” is hard to do. Some would ask why I would want to.
I don’t do so out of a lack of appreciation for my present. I don’t do so because I particularly like the uncomfortable air I sit in when I entertain those thoughts. I think it is part of me that I have uncovered and have learned to use... and I now use it for more than its original intended purpose. I have shared a part of myself that consumed me years ago with a few people. In that struggle I learned to take hold of the part of myself that could walk into the darkness, push past the numerous walls of fear that I hit, keep blind faith that the darkness was temporary, and know that in the end I would find light and triumph.
I will continue to challenge the part of myself that initially wants to turn away from uncertainty and will continue to try to understand things that I don’t. I challenge anyone who thinks that some things are too scary to even think about. If nothing else, in pushing past this fear you have challenged yourself and become a stronger person in doing so. The answer may not come when we want it to or how we expect, but I believe that it will come. When the time is right...
When Europeans first encountered Buddhist cultures and the Buddhists explained the frequent meditations on death that are part of the practice, the Europeans reacted negatively calling the Buddhists nihilist and pessimistic. Yet, when one looks a little deeper and asks why, the explanation is very clear. Meditation on death helps order one’s life. If we think about our death, we begin to be able to see how we want to live, what our priorities are, and what they are not. Few people, on their death bed, lament the loss of being unable to put more hours in at the office. To the contrary, they regret the hours they did put in to the neglect of their friends and family. This is one small example of how thinking about death makes us realize friends and loved ones are more important than more time at the office. This level of examination, of course, can go so much deeper. But the fear of death, and the taboo of talking about and examining it must be challenged. Ours is a culture petrified with fear from death. We seek life and the extension of life for no other reason than living longer. We never discuss quality of life and the meaning of life. Being able to look at these sobering realities is a mark of maturity. Posts like this don’t show you as morbid, but a mature adult willing to look at the realities of life. It is refreshing to see people engage in these matters. I applaud you!
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