Unintended Tears

Tonight I decided to start my writing. I am not sure what this will turn in to, nor do I know what I hope to accomplish by it all. Original thought was, this would be one of those great books that someone could get lost in and maybe relate to. I know I’m not the only one to ever be in this circumstance and I won’t be the last. Maybe in my tears, anger, and loss someone else can find solace. At the same time though I know that isn’t possible. A broken heart is just that. Broken. Only time can fix it.

Looking back on the last few months I thought my tears were dry. My soul a dry desolate desert, the emotion that once flooded every inch with you a far away memory. I convinced myself that everything that once drove me into your arms was hushed, only echoing as a far off hum in the distance. How wrong I was.

I never meant for you to see me cry tonight. I never do. I never meant for the tears to run down my face like it was all happening again. My tears will never make you understand. I never meant to hurt you and how I have wished it could have been different. I often think about how it would be to go back to the defining moment where I lost what I had worked so hard to find.

Before you, I had begun to find me in the years of rubble, and in a moment, like a bad accident I was crushed and buried once again. Part of me pulls to beg for the ability to rewind our life and do it over. I take a deep breath in and know that I can’t and shouldn’t. What was meant to happen, did for a reason. I am finding that my reason is simple. I never completely finished finding myself in the ruins that I came from. I found just enough of me to survive. It looked like I was whole and complete, but there were still pieces missing. It wasn't the right time for us. Yet again, maybe it was. You were my lesson. Even in sitting down and writing this tonight I am still somewhat lost in rubble. Some of it is ours; some of it came long before you. I am not broken, but at the same time I am not whole.

You look at me and see someone that hates. You see someone who hurt you with intent and was recklessly selfish. You see someone that sparks anger in you like no one ever has. You never speak to me of my worth. You never speak to me of the times I held you up. You never speak to the times that I helped keep you whole. You never speak of the times that I loved without abandon.

It is so easy to drown out the good with the bad. You asked tonight why we were doing this; ripping open a healing wound. I couldn’t tell you and still can’t tell you even now. It is what it is. It all sometimes seems like a strange dance that only we know the steps to, when all along the steps were made up, mastered in the act. We have danced that dance well. It is time to take our final bow, thank the world for watching, and let the curtain close.