This blog will have no clear defined thought pattern. Be forewarned. I cannot give what I don’t have at the moment.
My life right now. One word. Scattered.
The hand on the clock is turning. I should be moving along with it, but most of the time I am just sitting staring at it. Sometimes in awe. In awe of how life is changing. Sometimes in denial. Denial that time is going by and I am in fact just sitting there watching it happen. Sometimes in hope. Hoping that the hands will go faster.
Part of me is so tired. Where I am drains me in a way. I wish the days that were left would rush by and I could be in a peaceful place at last. Nothing here echoes peace. Nothing. There is not a part of me that wants to stay where I am, but at the same time what is beyond this is the unknown and that scares me. It also excites me at the same time. The unknown is just that. Not known. Unwritten. There are no titles to the chapters. Blank pages will lie before me. What will I fill them with?
...I want to fill my pages with greatness. I want them to be decorated not only with beautiful colors but with meaningful words. Nestled deep within the pages of my past you will find these things, but not near enough. When I open my book, I want it to sparkle. I want to smile at the abundance of my life. I want to be happy.
...Happiness can be so fleeting. You think you have it captured, only to find that it has escaped the perfect little box you kept it in. Where did it go? Maybe it didn’t go anywhere. Maybe it was all an illusion. Maybe it was there but just put away too long and disappeared. What does it create when it is no longer in the room set aside for it? Room for more. Room for different. Room for new.
Taking a breath in I think about my new. I have had my share of new in the last few months. With my experiences I have made new friends. I have made my share of mistakes. I have made some defining decisions.
The decisions that currently lie in front of me are the ones that I think mean the most out of any in the recent past. The way I go through my days through this upcoming transition I feel will be defining. Years ago I spoke about leaving gracefully. If I do anything this time around, it will be this. I will not let my anger win. Not this time. I will find peace in the final moments. A promise to myself. :::must continue to tell myself this:::
I am hopeful about the future.
I miss my family dearly and the thought of being close to them is so comforting. I cannot wait until my brother and mom get here in a couple of months. It has been a long time coming and so long overdue. I want to see them on holidays. I want weekends spent with my mom remembering and creating. I want to do crazy things with my brother which I will always remember. I want to make new memories with both of them.
I am hopeful about the possibility of going back to what I know as home. There is so much in Jacksonville that makes me happy. So much that I miss. I miss my friends. I miss the river. I miss the zoo. I miss the fun times. I miss Jenn. I miss the places that make me smile. I miss the crash of the ocean and the sand between my toes. I miss standing on the pier and looking out to forever. I miss driving by the house I grew up in. I miss Yo Sushi. I miss the museums. I miss Sabrina. I miss the Christmas tree lighting. I miss home.
I am hopeful about one last thing. I don’t know how to define it other than hope of what might be. Sometimes things can seem too good to be true. Does that mean that it is time to shut it down? No. Sometimes things can be unfamiliar. I remind myself that unfamiliarity is not synonymous with something not being exactly what you need and want. I am appreciated for me, not what can be gained from me. My faults are accepted, and I shine. It is this feeling that might be the biggest gift I have stumbled across in a very long time, and is what I deserve.
Whatever the future holds, I know it will be exactly what is meant for me. The future possibilities are endless…
I will end with one of my favorite quotes....
"...beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will…” ~Hope Floats
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