I finished the movie "He's Just Not that Into You.." today and the end quote was amazing. So incredibly appropriate for where I am in my life right now and felt like it was speaking to me.
"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the un-returned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."
Words to definitely live by....
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Less than 24 hours....
and this will be over officially. Whatever done is done... whatever left I will be charged for. It is what it is. Wish me luck! :o)
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Broken ~ by Lifehouse
This song reaches to me in a few of it's lines... to the point that I wanted to post it. I am not broken, as I have discussed in prior blogs. What I am holding on to is not my past... but the part of me that needs to find strength for my future. Two of my favorite lines in this song are "I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead" and "In the pain there is healing". Both are so incredibly true for where I am right now.
"Broken" ~ by Lifehouse
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is the healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will, will be ok
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, having forgot my way home
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
"Broken" ~ by Lifehouse
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is the healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will, will be ok
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, having forgot my way home
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
Monday, August 17, 2009
Scattered... but not lost
This blog will have no clear defined thought pattern. Be forewarned. I cannot give what I don’t have at the moment.
My life right now. One word. Scattered.
The hand on the clock is turning. I should be moving along with it, but most of the time I am just sitting staring at it. Sometimes in awe. In awe of how life is changing. Sometimes in denial. Denial that time is going by and I am in fact just sitting there watching it happen. Sometimes in hope. Hoping that the hands will go faster.
Part of me is so tired. Where I am drains me in a way. I wish the days that were left would rush by and I could be in a peaceful place at last. Nothing here echoes peace. Nothing. There is not a part of me that wants to stay where I am, but at the same time what is beyond this is the unknown and that scares me. It also excites me at the same time. The unknown is just that. Not known. Unwritten. There are no titles to the chapters. Blank pages will lie before me. What will I fill them with?
...I want to fill my pages with greatness. I want them to be decorated not only with beautiful colors but with meaningful words. Nestled deep within the pages of my past you will find these things, but not near enough. When I open my book, I want it to sparkle. I want to smile at the abundance of my life. I want to be happy.
...Happiness can be so fleeting. You think you have it captured, only to find that it has escaped the perfect little box you kept it in. Where did it go? Maybe it didn’t go anywhere. Maybe it was all an illusion. Maybe it was there but just put away too long and disappeared. What does it create when it is no longer in the room set aside for it? Room for more. Room for different. Room for new.
Taking a breath in I think about my new. I have had my share of new in the last few months. With my experiences I have made new friends. I have made my share of mistakes. I have made some defining decisions.
The decisions that currently lie in front of me are the ones that I think mean the most out of any in the recent past. The way I go through my days through this upcoming transition I feel will be defining. Years ago I spoke about leaving gracefully. If I do anything this time around, it will be this. I will not let my anger win. Not this time. I will find peace in the final moments. A promise to myself. :::must continue to tell myself this:::
I am hopeful about the future.
I miss my family dearly and the thought of being close to them is so comforting. I cannot wait until my brother and mom get here in a couple of months. It has been a long time coming and so long overdue. I want to see them on holidays. I want weekends spent with my mom remembering and creating. I want to do crazy things with my brother which I will always remember. I want to make new memories with both of them.
I am hopeful about the possibility of going back to what I know as home. There is so much in Jacksonville that makes me happy. So much that I miss. I miss my friends. I miss the river. I miss the zoo. I miss the fun times. I miss Jenn. I miss the places that make me smile. I miss the crash of the ocean and the sand between my toes. I miss standing on the pier and looking out to forever. I miss driving by the house I grew up in. I miss Yo Sushi. I miss the museums. I miss Sabrina. I miss the Christmas tree lighting. I miss home.
I am hopeful about one last thing. I don’t know how to define it other than hope of what might be. Sometimes things can seem too good to be true. Does that mean that it is time to shut it down? No. Sometimes things can be unfamiliar. I remind myself that unfamiliarity is not synonymous with something not being exactly what you need and want. I am appreciated for me, not what can be gained from me. My faults are accepted, and I shine. It is this feeling that might be the biggest gift I have stumbled across in a very long time, and is what I deserve.
Whatever the future holds, I know it will be exactly what is meant for me. The future possibilities are endless…
I will end with one of my favorite quotes....
"...beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will…” ~Hope Floats
My life right now. One word. Scattered.
The hand on the clock is turning. I should be moving along with it, but most of the time I am just sitting staring at it. Sometimes in awe. In awe of how life is changing. Sometimes in denial. Denial that time is going by and I am in fact just sitting there watching it happen. Sometimes in hope. Hoping that the hands will go faster.
Part of me is so tired. Where I am drains me in a way. I wish the days that were left would rush by and I could be in a peaceful place at last. Nothing here echoes peace. Nothing. There is not a part of me that wants to stay where I am, but at the same time what is beyond this is the unknown and that scares me. It also excites me at the same time. The unknown is just that. Not known. Unwritten. There are no titles to the chapters. Blank pages will lie before me. What will I fill them with?
...I want to fill my pages with greatness. I want them to be decorated not only with beautiful colors but with meaningful words. Nestled deep within the pages of my past you will find these things, but not near enough. When I open my book, I want it to sparkle. I want to smile at the abundance of my life. I want to be happy.
...Happiness can be so fleeting. You think you have it captured, only to find that it has escaped the perfect little box you kept it in. Where did it go? Maybe it didn’t go anywhere. Maybe it was all an illusion. Maybe it was there but just put away too long and disappeared. What does it create when it is no longer in the room set aside for it? Room for more. Room for different. Room for new.
Taking a breath in I think about my new. I have had my share of new in the last few months. With my experiences I have made new friends. I have made my share of mistakes. I have made some defining decisions.
The decisions that currently lie in front of me are the ones that I think mean the most out of any in the recent past. The way I go through my days through this upcoming transition I feel will be defining. Years ago I spoke about leaving gracefully. If I do anything this time around, it will be this. I will not let my anger win. Not this time. I will find peace in the final moments. A promise to myself. :::must continue to tell myself this:::
I am hopeful about the future.
I miss my family dearly and the thought of being close to them is so comforting. I cannot wait until my brother and mom get here in a couple of months. It has been a long time coming and so long overdue. I want to see them on holidays. I want weekends spent with my mom remembering and creating. I want to do crazy things with my brother which I will always remember. I want to make new memories with both of them.
I am hopeful about the possibility of going back to what I know as home. There is so much in Jacksonville that makes me happy. So much that I miss. I miss my friends. I miss the river. I miss the zoo. I miss the fun times. I miss Jenn. I miss the places that make me smile. I miss the crash of the ocean and the sand between my toes. I miss standing on the pier and looking out to forever. I miss driving by the house I grew up in. I miss Yo Sushi. I miss the museums. I miss Sabrina. I miss the Christmas tree lighting. I miss home.
I am hopeful about one last thing. I don’t know how to define it other than hope of what might be. Sometimes things can seem too good to be true. Does that mean that it is time to shut it down? No. Sometimes things can be unfamiliar. I remind myself that unfamiliarity is not synonymous with something not being exactly what you need and want. I am appreciated for me, not what can be gained from me. My faults are accepted, and I shine. It is this feeling that might be the biggest gift I have stumbled across in a very long time, and is what I deserve.
Whatever the future holds, I know it will be exactly what is meant for me. The future possibilities are endless…
I will end with one of my favorite quotes....
"...beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will…” ~Hope Floats
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Unintended Tears
Tonight I decided to start my writing. I am not sure what this will turn in to, nor do I know what I hope to accomplish by it all. Original thought was, this would be one of those great books that someone could get lost in and maybe relate to. I know I’m not the only one to ever be in this circumstance and I won’t be the last. Maybe in my tears, anger, and loss someone else can find solace. At the same time though I know that isn’t possible. A broken heart is just that. Broken. Only time can fix it.
Looking back on the last few months I thought my tears were dry. My soul a dry desolate desert, the emotion that once flooded every inch with you a far away memory. I convinced myself that everything that once drove me into your arms was hushed, only echoing as a far off hum in the distance. How wrong I was.
I never meant for you to see me cry tonight. I never do. I never meant for the tears to run down my face like it was all happening again. My tears will never make you understand. I never meant to hurt you and how I have wished it could have been different. I often think about how it would be to go back to the defining moment where I lost what I had worked so hard to find.
Before you, I had begun to find me in the years of rubble, and in a moment, like a bad accident I was crushed and buried once again. Part of me pulls to beg for the ability to rewind our life and do it over. I take a deep breath in and know that I can’t and shouldn’t. What was meant to happen, did for a reason. I am finding that my reason is simple. I never completely finished finding myself in the ruins that I came from. I found just enough of me to survive. It looked like I was whole and complete, but there were still pieces missing. It wasn't the right time for us. Yet again, maybe it was. You were my lesson. Even in sitting down and writing this tonight I am still somewhat lost in rubble. Some of it is ours; some of it came long before you. I am not broken, but at the same time I am not whole.
You look at me and see someone that hates. You see someone who hurt you with intent and was recklessly selfish. You see someone that sparks anger in you like no one ever has. You never speak to me of my worth. You never speak to me of the times I held you up. You never speak to the times that I helped keep you whole. You never speak of the times that I loved without abandon.
It is so easy to drown out the good with the bad. You asked tonight why we were doing this; ripping open a healing wound. I couldn’t tell you and still can’t tell you even now. It is what it is. It all sometimes seems like a strange dance that only we know the steps to, when all along the steps were made up, mastered in the act. We have danced that dance well. It is time to take our final bow, thank the world for watching, and let the curtain close.
Looking back on the last few months I thought my tears were dry. My soul a dry desolate desert, the emotion that once flooded every inch with you a far away memory. I convinced myself that everything that once drove me into your arms was hushed, only echoing as a far off hum in the distance. How wrong I was.
I never meant for you to see me cry tonight. I never do. I never meant for the tears to run down my face like it was all happening again. My tears will never make you understand. I never meant to hurt you and how I have wished it could have been different. I often think about how it would be to go back to the defining moment where I lost what I had worked so hard to find.
Before you, I had begun to find me in the years of rubble, and in a moment, like a bad accident I was crushed and buried once again. Part of me pulls to beg for the ability to rewind our life and do it over. I take a deep breath in and know that I can’t and shouldn’t. What was meant to happen, did for a reason. I am finding that my reason is simple. I never completely finished finding myself in the ruins that I came from. I found just enough of me to survive. It looked like I was whole and complete, but there were still pieces missing. It wasn't the right time for us. Yet again, maybe it was. You were my lesson. Even in sitting down and writing this tonight I am still somewhat lost in rubble. Some of it is ours; some of it came long before you. I am not broken, but at the same time I am not whole.
You look at me and see someone that hates. You see someone who hurt you with intent and was recklessly selfish. You see someone that sparks anger in you like no one ever has. You never speak to me of my worth. You never speak to me of the times I held you up. You never speak to the times that I helped keep you whole. You never speak of the times that I loved without abandon.
It is so easy to drown out the good with the bad. You asked tonight why we were doing this; ripping open a healing wound. I couldn’t tell you and still can’t tell you even now. It is what it is. It all sometimes seems like a strange dance that only we know the steps to, when all along the steps were made up, mastered in the act. We have danced that dance well. It is time to take our final bow, thank the world for watching, and let the curtain close.
Mockingbird ~ by Rob Thomas
here we stand
somewhere in between this moment and the end
will we bend?
or will we open up and take this whole thing in?
everybody else is smiling and their smiles dont fade
and you dont even wonder why you just dont think that way
maybe you and me got lost somewhere
we can't move or we can't stay here
well maybe we've just had enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
you and me tried everything
but still that mocking bird wont sing
well man this life seems hard enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
Take my hand
and I will lead you through the broken promise land
yes I can, ah yes I can
I can be there when you need it
i'll give it all till you can't feel it anymore
I don't wanna love you now
if you'll just leave someday
I don't wanna turn around
if you'll just walk away
maybe you and me got lost somewhere
we can't move or we can't stay here
well maybe we've just had enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
you and me tried everything
but still that mocking bird wont sing
well man this life seems hard enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
maybe you and me got lost somewhere
we can't move or we can't stay here
well maybe we've just had enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
you and me tried everything
but still that mocking bird wont sing
well man this life seems hard enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
maybe we aint meant for this love
maybe we aint meant for this love
somewhere in between this moment and the end
will we bend?
or will we open up and take this whole thing in?
everybody else is smiling and their smiles dont fade
and you dont even wonder why you just dont think that way
maybe you and me got lost somewhere
we can't move or we can't stay here
well maybe we've just had enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
you and me tried everything
but still that mocking bird wont sing
well man this life seems hard enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
Take my hand
and I will lead you through the broken promise land
yes I can, ah yes I can
I can be there when you need it
i'll give it all till you can't feel it anymore
I don't wanna love you now
if you'll just leave someday
I don't wanna turn around
if you'll just walk away
maybe you and me got lost somewhere
we can't move or we can't stay here
well maybe we've just had enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
you and me tried everything
but still that mocking bird wont sing
well man this life seems hard enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
maybe you and me got lost somewhere
we can't move or we can't stay here
well maybe we've just had enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
you and me tried everything
but still that mocking bird wont sing
well man this life seems hard enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
maybe we aint meant for this love
maybe we aint meant for this love
Monday, June 29, 2009
I think I am on to something....
So… I am sitting here and thinking that I should write a book about the next 30 days here. I might be able to sell it one day… which I guess would actually in a twisted way make this frustration worthwhile.
Actually… I might be on to something here…
Actually… I might be on to something here…
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