Tonight I decided to start my writing. I am not sure what this will turn in to, nor do I know what I hope to accomplish by it all. Original thought was, this would be one of those great books that someone could get lost in and maybe relate to. I know I’m not the only one to ever be in this circumstance and I won’t be the last. Maybe in my tears, anger, and loss someone else can find solace. At the same time though I know that isn’t possible. A broken heart is just that. Broken. Only time can fix it.
Looking back on the last few months I thought my tears were dry. My soul a dry desolate desert, the emotion that once flooded every inch with you a far away memory. I convinced myself that everything that once drove me into your arms was hushed, only echoing as a far off hum in the distance. How wrong I was.
I never meant for you to see me cry tonight. I never do. I never meant for the tears to run down my face like it was all happening again. My tears will never make you understand. I never meant to hurt you and how I have wished it could have been different. I often think about how it would be to go back to the defining moment where I lost what I had worked so hard to find.
Before you, I had begun to find me in the years of rubble, and in a moment, like a bad accident I was crushed and buried once again. Part of me pulls to beg for the ability to rewind our life and do it over. I take a deep breath in and know that I can’t and shouldn’t. What was meant to happen, did for a reason. I am finding that my reason is simple. I never completely finished finding myself in the ruins that I came from. I found just enough of me to survive. It looked like I was whole and complete, but there were still pieces missing. It wasn't the right time for us. Yet again, maybe it was. You were my lesson. Even in sitting down and writing this tonight I am still somewhat lost in rubble. Some of it is ours; some of it came long before you. I am not broken, but at the same time I am not whole.
You look at me and see someone that hates. You see someone who hurt you with intent and was recklessly selfish. You see someone that sparks anger in you like no one ever has. You never speak to me of my worth. You never speak to me of the times I held you up. You never speak to the times that I helped keep you whole. You never speak of the times that I loved without abandon.
It is so easy to drown out the good with the bad. You asked tonight why we were doing this; ripping open a healing wound. I couldn’t tell you and still can’t tell you even now. It is what it is. It all sometimes seems like a strange dance that only we know the steps to, when all along the steps were made up, mastered in the act. We have danced that dance well. It is time to take our final bow, thank the world for watching, and let the curtain close.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Mockingbird ~ by Rob Thomas
here we stand
somewhere in between this moment and the end
will we bend?
or will we open up and take this whole thing in?
everybody else is smiling and their smiles dont fade
and you dont even wonder why you just dont think that way
maybe you and me got lost somewhere
we can't move or we can't stay here
well maybe we've just had enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
you and me tried everything
but still that mocking bird wont sing
well man this life seems hard enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
Take my hand
and I will lead you through the broken promise land
yes I can, ah yes I can
I can be there when you need it
i'll give it all till you can't feel it anymore
I don't wanna love you now
if you'll just leave someday
I don't wanna turn around
if you'll just walk away
maybe you and me got lost somewhere
we can't move or we can't stay here
well maybe we've just had enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
you and me tried everything
but still that mocking bird wont sing
well man this life seems hard enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
maybe you and me got lost somewhere
we can't move or we can't stay here
well maybe we've just had enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
you and me tried everything
but still that mocking bird wont sing
well man this life seems hard enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
maybe we aint meant for this love
maybe we aint meant for this love
somewhere in between this moment and the end
will we bend?
or will we open up and take this whole thing in?
everybody else is smiling and their smiles dont fade
and you dont even wonder why you just dont think that way
maybe you and me got lost somewhere
we can't move or we can't stay here
well maybe we've just had enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
you and me tried everything
but still that mocking bird wont sing
well man this life seems hard enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
Take my hand
and I will lead you through the broken promise land
yes I can, ah yes I can
I can be there when you need it
i'll give it all till you can't feel it anymore
I don't wanna love you now
if you'll just leave someday
I don't wanna turn around
if you'll just walk away
maybe you and me got lost somewhere
we can't move or we can't stay here
well maybe we've just had enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
you and me tried everything
but still that mocking bird wont sing
well man this life seems hard enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
maybe you and me got lost somewhere
we can't move or we can't stay here
well maybe we've just had enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
you and me tried everything
but still that mocking bird wont sing
well man this life seems hard enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love
maybe we aint meant for this love
maybe we aint meant for this love
Monday, June 29, 2009
I think I am on to something....
So… I am sitting here and thinking that I should write a book about the next 30 days here. I might be able to sell it one day… which I guess would actually in a twisted way make this frustration worthwhile.
Actually… I might be on to something here…
Actually… I might be on to something here…
Release Me
I want to be released
Even with freedom here
I still live in a prison of my past
Please let me go quietly
Don’t look as I walk away
I won’t look back either
Let us be each others silent past
That will remember in black and white
Old memories scratched with time
Unable to be made beautiful
Regardless of color placed on top
I never meant to hurt you
More so I hate that I hurt myself
In giving up part of who I was
To be with you
I will make my wrongs worth something
I have learned from them
And they will help create
My next right…
Even with freedom here
I still live in a prison of my past
Please let me go quietly
Don’t look as I walk away
I won’t look back either
Let us be each others silent past
That will remember in black and white
Old memories scratched with time
Unable to be made beautiful
Regardless of color placed on top
I never meant to hurt you
More so I hate that I hurt myself
In giving up part of who I was
To be with you
I will make my wrongs worth something
I have learned from them
And they will help create
My next right…
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Word of the Day
magnanimous (adjective) [mag-nan-uh-muhs] ~ generous in forgiving an insult or injury; free from petty resentfulness or vindictiveness
Where I am in my faith...
So… I don’t know where I am right now in my faith… but wanted to document what I believe as of right now… at this moment.
1. There is some kind of higher force or power working on life to make it what it is.
2. There is someone or something recognizing and acknowledging questions that I have asked recently.
3. Negative energy can present itself in your life.
4. Everything happens for a reason and life is not by chance.
Not sure if any of this will ever change… but I will keep everyone posted if it does.
1. There is some kind of higher force or power working on life to make it what it is.
2. There is someone or something recognizing and acknowledging questions that I have asked recently.
3. Negative energy can present itself in your life.
4. Everything happens for a reason and life is not by chance.
Not sure if any of this will ever change… but I will keep everyone posted if it does.
Grace
I have decided to start taking some of my older blogs and revisit them in attempt to see how I have changed… in a positive or negative way. I think we always need to be aware of ourselves and writing helps me figure myself out in a way. Here is my first revisit….
Grace ~ Original Post June 27, 2006
Recently someone spoke to me and used the word "grace". It was a brief moment... a sentence in a long discussion. The moment came and went... like a breeze. The word stuck with me.
So on my mind the last few days has been what "is" grace. How does it feel to act gracefully in a situation... and above that how do you have grace in a painful situation. With all of these questions... and after thinking about it a few days I decided to look up the word. Find out what Webster would give for a definition. Sorting through the numerous possibilities... I came across what I thought to be the one to sum it up the best.
grace: disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency
So with this knowledge I am sitting here thinking. There have been so many situations in my life that I have lacked grace. That instead of kindness... I have chosen the road of anger and hurt. That instead of courtesy... I have been inconsiderate to others feelings and beliefs. That instead of clemency... I have made ones in my life pay at the highest level for the wrongs they have done.
I wonder how experiences in my life... a few of those weighing heavily on my mind right now... would have changed if I had carried myself in a graceful manner. Would the outcomes have changed? Would there not be such heaviness on my heart when I think about those times?
Right now I am faced with the possibility of having to walk away from someone I love dearly and with all my heart. If I have to face forward... and take those steps away from him... I hope I can walk away gracefully. So maybe just maybe... the last thing he'll remember is my smile... the smile for the love and good times shared.
My first reaction to this post is that I am the same… and nothing has changed. I know this isn’t true though. After sitting here thinking about everything that I wrote almost 3 years ago I notice something. Where was I in all of this?
I took “grace” and made it almost completely about how I made someone else feel in me lacking “grace”. Here are three things that I need to add to this…
1. You can’t control other human beings feelings. We all have the choice as to how we react to someone, their actions, and their words.
2. Grace isn’t just about how you act outward… but is also about how you act inward… even in handling yourself.
3. My definition was solely based on a act of grace
I am glad the outcome did not change. I am thankful that when thinking back on some moments I do feel heaviness. Without these things… I wouldn’t have learned lessons that I did… and I can’t imagine how it would feel to be repeating some of the same patterns that I did before.
Grace ~ Original Post June 27, 2006
Recently someone spoke to me and used the word "grace". It was a brief moment... a sentence in a long discussion. The moment came and went... like a breeze. The word stuck with me.
So on my mind the last few days has been what "is" grace. How does it feel to act gracefully in a situation... and above that how do you have grace in a painful situation. With all of these questions... and after thinking about it a few days I decided to look up the word. Find out what Webster would give for a definition. Sorting through the numerous possibilities... I came across what I thought to be the one to sum it up the best.
grace: disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency
So with this knowledge I am sitting here thinking. There have been so many situations in my life that I have lacked grace. That instead of kindness... I have chosen the road of anger and hurt. That instead of courtesy... I have been inconsiderate to others feelings and beliefs. That instead of clemency... I have made ones in my life pay at the highest level for the wrongs they have done.
I wonder how experiences in my life... a few of those weighing heavily on my mind right now... would have changed if I had carried myself in a graceful manner. Would the outcomes have changed? Would there not be such heaviness on my heart when I think about those times?
Right now I am faced with the possibility of having to walk away from someone I love dearly and with all my heart. If I have to face forward... and take those steps away from him... I hope I can walk away gracefully. So maybe just maybe... the last thing he'll remember is my smile... the smile for the love and good times shared.
My first reaction to this post is that I am the same… and nothing has changed. I know this isn’t true though. After sitting here thinking about everything that I wrote almost 3 years ago I notice something. Where was I in all of this?
I took “grace” and made it almost completely about how I made someone else feel in me lacking “grace”. Here are three things that I need to add to this…
1. You can’t control other human beings feelings. We all have the choice as to how we react to someone, their actions, and their words.
2. Grace isn’t just about how you act outward… but is also about how you act inward… even in handling yourself.
3. My definition was solely based on a act of grace
I am glad the outcome did not change. I am thankful that when thinking back on some moments I do feel heaviness. Without these things… I wouldn’t have learned lessons that I did… and I can’t imagine how it would feel to be repeating some of the same patterns that I did before.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Awakening...
Restless with where I am
Looking for the door
Caught in silent limbo
Still ever wanting more
Exhausted with this fight
Trying to find a simple way
Out of the mess I have created
Losing more and more each day
Uncertainty knocking
Louder it echoes through
My world is closing in
Only one thing left to do
Knowing I have to move forward
Blurry eyed I step outside
Breathe in a new optimism
Finding strength inside
No longer will I be reckless
With my own fragile heart
This is a new beginning
An unplanned new found start
Looking for the door
Caught in silent limbo
Still ever wanting more
Exhausted with this fight
Trying to find a simple way
Out of the mess I have created
Losing more and more each day
Uncertainty knocking
Louder it echoes through
My world is closing in
Only one thing left to do
Knowing I have to move forward
Blurry eyed I step outside
Breathe in a new optimism
Finding strength inside
No longer will I be reckless
With my own fragile heart
This is a new beginning
An unplanned new found start
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